Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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