having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
