All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
