I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
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Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
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I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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