wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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