fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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