Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
