someone threw a dead crab at me
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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