hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
