Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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