Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
