never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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