o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
