mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
