Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
