Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
