There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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