my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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