??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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