they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
