I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize