From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
