I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
