I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
