rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
