Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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