Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
