and i looked up. we had an audience...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
