Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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