I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
