i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
