Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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