I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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