The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
