feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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