So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
