I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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