I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
