she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
