Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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