Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
