i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
