Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
