Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
