He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
