Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
