today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
