i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
