Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
