you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
