Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I bet he comes in French.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
