she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
