Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize