I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
