I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ketchup is God's man juice
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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