chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
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The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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