I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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