You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
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we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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